We’ve all heard the proverb “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” as a way of expressing how a child is similar to his parents. This is a good thing if your parent is Bill Gates, a bad thing if he’s K-fed, and a mixed blessing if he’s Stephen Hawking. For those of you who think you’re nothing like your parents and would be offended at the mere suggestion that we share the same driveway much less the same genetic material, I bring you a suitable response to the above saying. It’s assertive yet tactful.

“If my parent was an apple tree and I an apple, I would be the most delicious-looking fruit on the tree. A hungry mammal, enticed by my colorful and fleshy appearance promising sugars and calories, would immediately eat me. The animal would then travel away from my parental tree while I commuted through its gut landing finally in a faraway place after being excreted into a pile of fresh poop. So this apple fell very far away from the tree.”