David Xia

Category Archives: Uncategorized

College Isn’t and Shouldn’t Be the Best Years of Your Life

“College will be the best four years of your life.”

If you’re a high schooler, someone’s probably told you this. If you’re an adult, you’ve probably said this to some impressionable young person. If you think this sentence is bullshit and at worst a harmful sentiment to say or hear, you’re with me.

Imagine a statesman declares to his country’s citizens, “The best years of our country are going to be the next four years.” I would think, “So you’re implying that it’s all downhill after that?” That’s essentially what adults are telling young people when they say… more

1 Comment

Why I Hate Shopping For Clothes

I hate shopping for clothes not because I don’t like seeing what’s new at stores or because I don’t care about what I wear. I hate it because searching for clothes that fit me in American stores is nearly impossible. My measurements are:

  • neck: 14.5″
  • chest: 38″
  • sleeve: 32.5″
  • waist: 28″
  • inseam: 30″

No store sells 28-inch waist pants. I’ve looked everywhere. Perhaps children’s clothing stores but not adults.

All the shirts I ever come across are rectangular shaped. Even the fitted ones don’t always fit me. If the shoulders fit then the lower half… more

5 Comments

I Love The Moth. Why is Voss Underwriting them?

The Moth is an organization that hosts events made of real stories told live on stage. Every event has a different theme around which story tellers weave their narratives. They’re one of my favorite podcasts. I love listening to the well-crafted stories told by writers, artists, and regular folk.

The stories are about 15 minutes long with simple narrative arcs, but their messages are often complex. Some of the most memorable stories for me are:

Mike Birbiglia talks about breaking up with his girlfriend while stranded on an island:
[audio:http://cdn.themoth.prx.org/moth-podcast-149-mike-birbiglia.mp3]

Steve Burns of children’s show… more

1 Comment

Facebook Timeline Bogus, Andy Sparks Would Never Post Picture of that Mullet

Facebook timeline is bogus. There’s no way Andy Sparks could’ve gotten a girlfriend with that mullet.Andy Sparks Mullet is Chick Repellent

Leave a comment

My Favorite Acronyms

These are some of my favorite acronyms. I like them not only because they are funny but also because they sometimes contain a kernel of truth. I’ll be adding to this list over time.

ISAF = I suck at fighting, I saw Americans fighting
job = just over broke
army = ain’t ready for Marines yet

Post your favorite acronyms below… more

Leave a comment

More Creative Ways to Say Happy Birthday

This is part 2 of a previous post on creative ways to say happy birthday. Since that page drives 85% of my site’s traffic, I added more.

Test to see if they’re getting old

  • (On a birthday card, write in very small letters) You are not old if you can read this without using a magnifying glass or even your spectacles!

If they are getting older more

2 Comments

The Importance of Defining Your Words aka Being in the Same Ballpark

It’s important to define our words. I once dated a girl who told me three months after we first started seeing each other that she was still in “dating mode” and wanted to be “non-exclusive.” I thought about it and said okay. Well, first I sighed and said, “Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom.” I thought we were on the same page.

We weren’t. We weren’t in the same ballpark. We weren’t even in the same fucking sport. I thought non-exclusive meant we could still date other people. Call me old-fashioned. For her, non-exclusivity meant… more

Leave a comment

Can You Give Me an ETA on Those TPS Reports?

Communities have their own jargon just as geographic regions have their own vernacular. US midwesterners say “pop,” their east and west coast counterparts argue it’s “soda,” and southerners just call every carbonated beverage “coke” (trademark dilution be damned).

Communities imbue their adopted jargon with their values and mentality, and later on the jargon instills in its future speakers these very values and mentality through its connotations. The military brass has sitrep, ISAF, and CENTCOM. These terms sound martial and chain-of-command. The startup community vocabulary includes bootstrap, stealth, and pivot. Corporate America has key performance indicators, end of… more

Leave a comment

How to Tell Good Stories

Is it just me or are many people unable to tell good stories anymore? I’m disappointed when friends describe their unique experiences in bland, humdrum ways. Otherwise compelling narratives about skydiving or Caribbean cruises are watered down by abstractions and generalizations until they’re as exciting as staring at grout between bathroom floor tiles while taking a dump. Except the stories aren’t as satisfying as the dump. more

3 Comments

The Best Roommate Horror Stories

We all have roommate horror stories. Here are some particularly bad ones I’ve heard from my friends.

  • The roommate who filmed a porno of herself and her boyfriend on your bed.
  • The roommate whose friends smoked pot and vomited in your dormitory floor’s communal male showers. This roommate stayed out late reenacting Fight Club scenes with his wrestling team, played video games all night during final exams with the volume on high, and one day began storing his urine in bottles and leaving them in his room indefinitely.
12 Comments