Keeping up with the Joneses requires that you know who they are. What better way to find out than by looking up their demographic data by simply typing your zip code into this website? Here you’ll find out your area’s top five lifestyles as defined by Claritas, which was acquired by The Nielsen Company, one of the world’s largest market research firms. Claritas’ PRIZM system categorizes the US into 66 demographically and behaviorally distinct types, or “segments” to help marketers sell you more stuff you don’t need.

I did a frequency analysis on the tags of all 251,287 Wikileaks diplomatic cables and created a Wordle word cloud. Size is positively related to frequency. You can download the basic data set from The Guardian (sorry, no text included) here, and create your own Wordle here. The meanings of the tags are here.

Wikileaks’ Cablegate Tag Wordle

While digging through my piles of digital debris accumulated during eight years of high school and college, I’ve gagged while rereading saccharine college application essays and barely understood incoherent essay theses. But once in a while, a piece of my writing pleasantly surprises me. This is one of them.

John and Mary had been accepted into X University, one of the most prestigious and excellent institutions of higher learning in the universe. It far surpassed Y University and Z College.  In fact, X University boasted an admissions rate of a slim 0.001%. Millions applied, nine and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine had their hearts broken, and every year ten lucky individuals gained entrance through those pearly gates. Dinner conversations were terribly boring.

I wrote this speech on October 27, 2004 for my Advanced Placement United States history class. It’s how I imagined the “Gettysburg Address” woud’ve sounded if Holden Caulfield from The Catcher in the Rye were delivering it.

A long time ago, when I wasn’t born yet, our nation was created. I think it was in 1776. I could be wrong. I was never really good in history and all. There was this one time when Mr. Spencer was my history teacher, and I had to write an essay on the Egyptians. Boy, you should have seen how bad my essay was. I even wrote to Mr. Spencer at the end of the essay that it was fine if he wanted to flunk me. But he just invites me over to his house and tells me he’s worried and asks me about what I’m planning to do later in my life. That talk got me thinking. It really did.

This is part two of a long-running saga. Read part one.

Every time I call the Hong Kong HSBC customer service center I cross my fingers and hope, “This is it! Today I’ll finally manage to retrieve my Hong Kong checking account’s money.” Every time I slam the phone down after hours of Escheresque automated phone menus that trap callers in infinite loops and telephonic cul-de-sacs, I put my head between my legs and take deep breaths.

Last night I was flipping through some DVDs trying to decide which movie to watch. I put Lost in Translation starring Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray into my Macbook Pro and hit play. The film opens with a lingering shot of Johansson’s shapely ass. I immediately decide to keep watching.

Is it just me or are many people unable to tell good stories anymore? I’m disappointed when friends describe their unique experiences in bland, humdrum ways. Otherwise compelling narratives about skydiving or Caribbean cruises are watered down by abstractions and generalizations until they’re as exciting as staring at grout between bathroom floor tiles while taking a dump. Except the stories aren’t as satisfying as the dump.

Just found this emo poem I wrote in high school buried in my computer.

Preparation

In fifth grade teachers make students move
Between classrooms in preparation for middle school.

In eighth grade they design courses
In the model of ninth grade in preparation for high school.

In high school they instruct majors
And electives in preparation for college.

In college they offer majors
In certain fields in preparation for graduate school.

In graduate school they teach specific skills
Required in preparation for occupations.

In occupations they hand out salaries
Every two weeks in preparation for retirement.

I am confused how all this preparation
Prepares someone for life’s primary goal:
Enjoying it.

Over 200,000 people attended the Colbert-Stewart Rally to restore Sanity and/or Fear last month, but many people still haven’t seen Stephen Colbert’s speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents Association Dinner. In what can only be referred to as a “performance” before 2,500 guests including Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Peter Pace, China’s Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, model and tennis player Anna Kournikova, actor George Clooney, and of course President George W. Bush himself, Colbert delivered a “controversial and searing routine targeting the president and the media.”

Colbert roasted President Bush and everyone else in the room for 16 minutes and concluded with a 7-minute sketch comedy video of himself equivocating as a White House press secretary hounded by Helen Thomas. His speech received both support and criticism. I wonder what outgoing White House Press Corps Association President Mark Smith was thinking when he invited Colbert to deliver the keynote speech. Was he expecting something other than Colbert’s usual scathing satire? According to New York magazine,

Smith later told the Times he hadn’t seen much of Colbert’s work.