How to Get Some Lean, Blue Ass


Jake Sully got away with infiltrating an alien clan, ruining a sacred arranged marriage, and betraying an entire planet’s trust. Did I mention that he also got a piece of lean, blue ass?

Avatar has plenty of reviews already, so I won’t comment here on its amazing visuals that clothe a cliché plot. James Cameron gave me exactly what I expected, and I expect nothing less from a movie budgeted at $237 million that took 13 years to make (partly because Cameron was waiting on technology that hadn’t been developed yet).

What I want to do here is point out some of the story’s loose ends:

  1. Na’vi sex scene – We never see jungle genitalia in the usual human places. I assumed the fibrous end of their braided pigtails were the sexual organs. It would be more logical if Jake and Neytiri consummated their relationship by sticking the ends of their braids together. Instead they were depicted doing it the human way.

  2. Na’vi battle plan – Too bad the Na’vi had to save the Tree of Souls at all costs. If the Pandora’s animals didn’t overrun the humans like a planetary immune system on overdrive, the blue, zebra-skinned Na’vi would’ve been destroyed. At such a disadvantage, a direct attack is the worst battle plan. In any other situation, guerilla tactics would be better. Sabotage equipment and wreck setups at the first mining site. Make the costs of operation so high that extracting Unobtanium (the writers were so creative) is not worth it.

N.B. The “buttbusters,” subwoofers installed into the theater’s chairs, kicked ass – and by that I mean “vibrated.” Every time an aircraft’s engine’s turn on or a missile strikes, I felt it.

If you’ve seen awkward Na’vi copulation, post your thoughts below.