Best Quotes From That Baller Weird College Kid


J.O. was an eccentric and benign person to all who knew him during their time as undergraduates at Columbia University. He would drop by your dormitory room at the most inopportune times without calling, clean out your refrigerator, and ignore basic social cues, but without him the world wouldn’t have the quotations recorded here for posterity.

Here’s an audio clip of J.O. ranting about an unconsummated college crush:

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“Multivariable, that really brings me back.”

“J.O. is done for the weekend. Back to the problem sets that are his life.”

Sam: Good old multivariable. That really brings me back.
J.O.: No, this is my book from last year…The beginning of last year.

“Deaf people suck.” – J.O., out of absolutely nowhere.

“Hug?” – J.O. to girls during awkward moments. Always met with rejection.

“J.O. created a group: Honors Mathematics 06-07″ – Facebook newsfeed

“Shortest math joke ever: Let epsilon < 0” – a post on J.O.’s Facebook group

Alex: J.O., can you help me with this integral?
J.O.: I probably could with some method.
Alex: How would you go about it?
J.O.: Whatever.
Alex: Can you help me?
J.O.: Whatever.
Alex: So you don’t know how to do it?
J.O.: Whatever. [walks away]

[J.O. is showing off his Rubik’s Cube skills during a study break in the student lounge. His cell phone rings.]
“Stop fucking calling me!”
[He answers and turns his tone of voice 180-degrees.]
“Oh, hey Sarah.”

[J.O. cornering Hopkins in the hall]
J.O.: What are you up to tonight?
Hopkins: Nothing much.
J.O.: Yeah, I think I’ll go to the parties or whatever and watch Battlestar Galactica.
Hopkins: Cool.
J.O.: No, seriously. It’s good now.
Hopkins: Cool.
J.O.: Do you know where everyone is?
Hopkins: Nope
J.O.: Is julia here?
Hopkins: I don’t know. (Later, I see her on the 11th floor and warn her to stay clear.)

“I’ve always been sub-40.” – J.O. when asked if he’s “sub-40″ aka can solve a Rubik’s Cube in under 40 seconds.

[J.O. and Katie talking at her door while I watch, gaping. J.O. is hiding a book behind his back while they talk about physicist Richard Feynman.]
J.O.: I own [book].
Katie: cool, me too
J.O.: Guess what book I have?
Katie: Chemistry
J.O.: No, [book]. Do you want to borrow it?
Katie: No.
J.O.: Why do I have this urge to have a conversation with you?
Katie: [no response]
J.O.: You have dimples.
Katie: No.

“Everyone has weed. No one has rolling paper anymore.”

[J.O. opens beer can and spills some on Matt K’s shoes.]
Matt: Hey, you got beer all over my clean socks!
J.O.: Cry me a river, bitch.
[J.O. drinks his beer.]

[J.O. attempts to throw a Pepsi can still containing some Pepsi into a trash can being carried by his peer Yossi. Pepsi flies out of the can in mid-flight and splatters all over Yossi’s face and shirt and begins collecting on Yossi’s chin until it dribbles onto the floor. Everyone stares in shock.]

J.O.: Aw, man. You didn’t even get the recycling bin.

“Recycle, noob.” – J.O. to me while picking my can out of the trash.

“I’m in the national league, bitches. We don’t do DH [designated hitter].” – J.O. passionately arguing with Matt K. in a restaurant about baseball or football is a superior sport.

“I feel like you’re asking for my daughter’s hand in marriage.” – J.O. to me.

“So I was talking to this girl the other day by the elevator when some kid who was standing nearby says to me later, ‘Wow, you’re so smooth’…Damn straight. I am a smooth motherfucker.” – J.O. on how he talked to Sari when they went to summer camp.

“Oh, those tricky Jews.” – J.O.

Did you just come from a funeral? – J.O. to Professor Lipshitz who happens to come to class one day wearing all black attire.

“M. Night Shamylan needs to get a real job!…Oh, my God. They’re bringing back The Mole!” – J.O. during previews before Iron Man screening.

“Rachel V. is the female Erdos.”