For his semester-end statistics project, my suitemate presented the data he collected on his sleeping schedule. His sleep schedule, among his friends, is cause for either concern about his psychological well-being or reason to suspect he puts on a cape and mask and does crazy shit during ungodly hours.
Climaxed Her?
c-l-i-m-a…wait a minute…
My Uncle’s Sleeping With His Boss
One of my uncles is a director for a Hong Kong-based fuse manufacturing firm. The CEO, a short, 66 year-old man from Hong Kong, is a demanding boss. Working for him is like being on-call as a military triage surgeon in Helmand, Afghanistan. He often sleeps in till noon, comes home at 9pm, and receives a call from the CEO shortly thereafter asking him to come play mahjong or drink tea. This means my uncle will be gone until 1 or 2am. Sometimes he doesn’t come home for dinner at all. He’ll go to sleep late and do it again the next day.
Don’t Use Google Voice to Plan Conspiracy
When Google Voice first debuted, I was impressed with its smart voice transcription. Naturally, I decided to see if it was also multilingual. So I improvised a short monologue in Mandarin.
Listen here.
Women Who Pee Standing Up
I hear it. Oh, my god! I feel it!
I was standing on a quiet, dark street. The girl pulled her underwear back up. Fortunately, nothing had splashed on me.
Smells Like Something Died in Here
If your car smells like an animal crawled in there and died, chances are one actually did. A month ago, my mom noticed a funky odor in her gray Subaru. According to her, it smelled like “rotten pork.” At first, she tried airing out the car, but that didn’t work. She searched the car for trash, food, anything that could be the culprit. Under the seats, in the glove compartment, the trunk, car door compartments. Nothing. The smell grew stronger every day.
Obama Spotted Eating Shit All Day Long
My suitemate during senior year of college once told me a concise yet insightful piece of political wisdom from his experience of volunteering on the John Kerry presidential campaign. He said political know-nothings often think political campaigns are based on principles, ideology, and clear-cut policies. In reality, political campaigns are run like military engagements.
Do You Eat Strange Fungi?
My mom made duck soup the other day. The recipe is simple: duck, water, wolfberry, and a parasitic fungus that hijacks the brains of insects turning them into zombies.
What’s Your Favorite Beverage?
“What’s your favorite beverage?” my friend asked me one day. We were sitting on a curb outside of a small concert space in hipster-territory Williamsburg, New York. “Water,” I replied. “That’s such a David Xia answer,” he chuckled.
Lost Over, Back to Good Shows
Having watched the series finale of ABC’s Lost, I finally have time to start watching shows that are still good and that I actually care about. These include The Wire and Treme, both written and created by David Simon.